The Demo Site

I'm sitting by the window right now trying to empty my thoughts. But in the contrary, a lot of thoughts run through my mind. Lately a battle has occurred in my head. I tried to avoid it for some reasons but it keeps disturbing me in a moment or two everyday.

I'm with someone right now. We had good moments together. I make her happy and sometimes she makes me happy too. She told she loves me and i can feel it. Maybe I love her too. But not as much as she does to me. And I am guilty for feeling this way.

Now the problem is I'm missing my ex-girlfriend. I guess I'm not totally over her. Lately I'm missing her so much; her face, her smile, everything about her. The worse is I miss her even more sometimes when I am with my new one. But I could not get her out of my mind and I know it's crazy. I miss the happy times whenever I'm with or around her. Those times might seem so simple but to me they were extraordinary. Even thoughts of her make me happy. And the thoughts of her being with someone else make me feel...oh I can't explain and I don't want to think about that thought as much as I can.

There was a night that I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we finally got married and have a happy family. And the best part of it; we are missing each other everyday. All happy moments. When I woke up after that dream, I can't keep my self from thinking about her until now. And then it came to me that she might be the one. The one i could share and spend my entire life with. It's just sad that I got impatient then and did not keep her. And now all I can do is hope that we could still be together in time. And I swear to my self that this time I'm going to make it right with her. I know I should have done the things I must do as soon as now. But I got scared. I'm scared that if I will do things in a rush I might lose her again. And now I'm more scared because of the situation I am right now. And I might end up losing her totally. But I wish I could have a lot of time to figure things out and fix them.

If only things were not as complicated as it is right now maybe I could clear my mind and heart and I can start to do things right as I should have done long time ago. But I don't know why it seems so difficult for me. I'm a fool that's for sure. Maybe I don't want to hurt the other one. But again I'm a fool for thinking that I could not hurt her because I know too well that I'm going to eventually. And it's going to hurt her even more. Or maybe I'm waiting for a perfect time to somehow lessen the hurt it would cause her. But I doubt if it will make any difference. I just regret that her love could not keep me.

These things I must settle before things get worse and more complicated--before everything will be too late for me.

-aLoN