The Demo Site

I'm sitting by the window right now trying to empty my thoughts. But in the contrary, a lot of thoughts run through my mind. Lately a battle has occurred in my head. I tried to avoid it for some reasons but it keeps disturbing me in a moment or two everyday.

I'm with someone right now. We had good moments together. I make her happy and sometimes she makes me happy too. She told she loves me and i can feel it. Maybe I love her too. But not as much as she does to me. And I am guilty for feeling this way.

Now the problem is I'm missing my ex-girlfriend. I guess I'm not totally over her. Lately I'm missing her so much; her face, her smile, everything about her. The worse is I miss her even more sometimes when I am with my new one. But I could not get her out of my mind and I know it's crazy. I miss the happy times whenever I'm with or around her. Those times might seem so simple but to me they were extraordinary. Even thoughts of her make me happy. And the thoughts of her being with someone else make me feel...oh I can't explain and I don't want to think about that thought as much as I can.

There was a night that I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we finally got married and have a happy family. And the best part of it; we are missing each other everyday. All happy moments. When I woke up after that dream, I can't keep my self from thinking about her until now. And then it came to me that she might be the one. The one i could share and spend my entire life with. It's just sad that I got impatient then and did not keep her. And now all I can do is hope that we could still be together in time. And I swear to my self that this time I'm going to make it right with her. I know I should have done the things I must do as soon as now. But I got scared. I'm scared that if I will do things in a rush I might lose her again. And now I'm more scared because of the situation I am right now. And I might end up losing her totally. But I wish I could have a lot of time to figure things out and fix them.

If only things were not as complicated as it is right now maybe I could clear my mind and heart and I can start to do things right as I should have done long time ago. But I don't know why it seems so difficult for me. I'm a fool that's for sure. Maybe I don't want to hurt the other one. But again I'm a fool for thinking that I could not hurt her because I know too well that I'm going to eventually. And it's going to hurt her even more. Or maybe I'm waiting for a perfect time to somehow lessen the hurt it would cause her. But I doubt if it will make any difference. I just regret that her love could not keep me.

These things I must settle before things get worse and more complicated--before everything will be too late for me.

-aLoN

"maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road" -Rascal Flatts

While reading this you might think that i am still bothered or disturbed with the things that are currently happening between us. Maybe I still am. Right now, I'm not asking for friendship anymore. I know that it's too much to ask. But if you can't give me back the friendship could you at least give me peace.

Things seem to be getting worse than they were before. A lot of our friends told me that I will just have to wait because things will eventually get back to normal as time goes by. But it is the other way around. It is like longing for a wonderful sunrise in the morning and you will wake up with rainy days. It is sad. I never expected in my wildest thought that things could get as ugly as it is right now. But like the weather things are ever changing. But again it's sad because I can't see it right now that it is changing for the better. Before, even if it seems so hopeless, I keep holding on only to find out that I'm stupidly hoping for that little bit of room for realizations and forgiveness. And now, I'm starting to realize that to hope for such thing to happen is to wait for something that is impossible to come. It pains me to realize the reality--that some things you have lost are hard to recover or worse, it cannot be recovered anymore no matter what you do. I thought it's hard but it's harder than i thought. And I have to deal with it no matter what it takes. I have to free myself from holding on. By that, it will be easier for me to accept things and move on.

It's been quite a long time since i keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine though lots of things have already changed. Maybe it's not yet working well at this moment but i have faith that it will soon. There are still lots of things that I have to learn. Things about letting go and moving on, about acceptance and forgiveness, and about respect even in the absence of love. By then, all the things about this will not bother me anymore. By then, i will remember what it is to be truly happy.

In time, everything that has happened will not matter to me anymore. Nor the questions i need to ask, the answers i need to know, and the things i want to say. In time not long from now, I know that I will move on and I will be over all of these things. And I hope in that time you will also do.

P.S.
It is with a lighter heart while I am writing the half part of this note.

-aLoN