The Demo Site

I respected the decision that you made because you think that it will make things better. When I let you walk away it’s with a hope that you are just walking from me (I thought for a while), but not from our friendship. But that hope seems to be empty right now, and it troubles me. It seems to me that what we had before doesn’t count to you anymore. And the thought of seeing things between us, which seem to be falling apart, just makes me sad.

You know that I have lost a friend once. You know what pain it had brought to me. You were there. You were there to comfort me and it somehow lessened the pain I felt then. Now, the same pain started to grow back. But it’s sad to know that there will never be the same you. I just can’t afford to lose another friend. I can’t afford to lose you.

I tried to keep my distance because I know it’s what you want, and without doing so according to what you want may appear to be disrespecting you. I thought I can handle it. But I was wrong. I think about it everyday. And every time I think about it, the sadness I feel is not getting any less. It’s just hard for me to look at things coming down without doing anything. Writing this note is the least I can do.

I am burdened with this guilt I feel ever since this situation occurred. I’m taking the blame for all the pain and hurt I have caused. I am sorry for being so insensitive. I never meant to be so. I wish I could find the perfect words to express how sorry I was. I will do anything just to undo all the mistakes I have done. Anything.

I hurt a person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. If only I could just take this guilt away. But I know too well that this guilt will not go away. Not until you give me a chance to talk to you. Not until I know that you will be okay. Not until I know that you have forgiven me. No, this guilt will never go away until you agree to give our friendship a second chance. Only you can take this guilt away entirely from me.

Again, I am sorry. I don’t know how broken and hurt you are. But I want you to know that I am also feeling what you are feeling. Maybe not as exactly, but I am.

I admit, there are some things in this situation that I don’t understand. If it will make any difference, I want to understand them if you will give me a chance. But what has happened had happened. No matter what we do we can never undo them. But we can do so much more for our friendship, so much more for saving it. Let’s save it. Please, if it still matters to you, help me save it.

I’ll just be around.

--- aLoN

I'm sitting by the window right now trying to empty my thoughts. But in the contrary, a lot of thoughts run through my mind. Lately a battle has occurred in my head. I tried to avoid it for some reasons but it keeps disturbing me in a moment or two everyday.

I'm with someone right now. We had good moments together. I make her happy and sometimes she makes me happy too. She told she loves me and i can feel it. Maybe I love her too. But not as much as she does to me. And I am guilty for feeling this way.

Now the problem is I'm missing my ex-girlfriend. I guess I'm not totally over her. Lately I'm missing her so much; her face, her smile, everything about her. The worse is I miss her even more sometimes when I am with my new one. But I could not get her out of my mind and I know it's crazy. I miss the happy times whenever I'm with or around her. Those times might seem so simple but to me they were extraordinary. Even thoughts of her make me happy. And the thoughts of her being with someone else make me feel...oh I can't explain and I don't want to think about that thought as much as I can.

There was a night that I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we finally got married and have a happy family. And the best part of it; we are missing each other everyday. All happy moments. When I woke up after that dream, I can't keep my self from thinking about her until now. And then it came to me that she might be the one. The one i could share and spend my entire life with. It's just sad that I got impatient then and did not keep her. And now all I can do is hope that we could still be together in time. And I swear to my self that this time I'm going to make it right with her. I know I should have done the things I must do as soon as now. But I got scared. I'm scared that if I will do things in a rush I might lose her again. And now I'm more scared because of the situation I am right now. And I might end up losing her totally. But I wish I could have a lot of time to figure things out and fix them.

If only things were not as complicated as it is right now maybe I could clear my mind and heart and I can start to do things right as I should have done long time ago. But I don't know why it seems so difficult for me. I'm a fool that's for sure. Maybe I don't want to hurt the other one. But again I'm a fool for thinking that I could not hurt her because I know too well that I'm going to eventually. And it's going to hurt her even more. Or maybe I'm waiting for a perfect time to somehow lessen the hurt it would cause her. But I doubt if it will make any difference. I just regret that her love could not keep me.

These things I must settle before things get worse and more complicated--before everything will be too late for me.

-aLoN

"maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road" -Rascal Flatts

While reading this you might think that i am still bothered or disturbed with the things that are currently happening between us. Maybe I still am. Right now, I'm not asking for friendship anymore. I know that it's too much to ask. But if you can't give me back the friendship could you at least give me peace.

Things seem to be getting worse than they were before. A lot of our friends told me that I will just have to wait because things will eventually get back to normal as time goes by. But it is the other way around. It is like longing for a wonderful sunrise in the morning and you will wake up with rainy days. It is sad. I never expected in my wildest thought that things could get as ugly as it is right now. But like the weather things are ever changing. But again it's sad because I can't see it right now that it is changing for the better. Before, even if it seems so hopeless, I keep holding on only to find out that I'm stupidly hoping for that little bit of room for realizations and forgiveness. And now, I'm starting to realize that to hope for such thing to happen is to wait for something that is impossible to come. It pains me to realize the reality--that some things you have lost are hard to recover or worse, it cannot be recovered anymore no matter what you do. I thought it's hard but it's harder than i thought. And I have to deal with it no matter what it takes. I have to free myself from holding on. By that, it will be easier for me to accept things and move on.

It's been quite a long time since i keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine though lots of things have already changed. Maybe it's not yet working well at this moment but i have faith that it will soon. There are still lots of things that I have to learn. Things about letting go and moving on, about acceptance and forgiveness, and about respect even in the absence of love. By then, all the things about this will not bother me anymore. By then, i will remember what it is to be truly happy.

In time, everything that has happened will not matter to me anymore. Nor the questions i need to ask, the answers i need to know, and the things i want to say. In time not long from now, I know that I will move on and I will be over all of these things. And I hope in that time you will also do.

P.S.
It is with a lighter heart while I am writing the half part of this note.

-aLoN

its sweetness
its sweetness brings delight
to my tongue
eating them gives pleasure
its taste is like no other
but i know it burns my soul in hell
the way my tooth aches
it is how guilt creeps within me
brush my teeth to ease the pain
as to ask for forgiveness to cleanse my soul
but its sweetness
can't help it
i still eat them

i tried
how i tried not to eat them
try hard to fight the urge of eating them
not anymore
but its taste still lingers
it always haunts me
it is tempting
addicting
so addicting that i cant resist
but give in to it
i have warred with myself
but i always loss
i still eat them

-aLoN

I admit. I'm still angry. I'm still angry with you. I'm still angry with what is happening between us right now. I shouldn't have cared about this, I know. But as much as I don't want myself to think about it, I can't help myself to still care. I still care about the friendship we have lost. About the friendship I believe you valued before as much as I do until now. About the friendship you chose to turn your back on.

How could you? How could you let it go. It saddens me so much. It saddens me even more to know that you have let it go EASILY.

I wanted to talk to you. There are just so many things I wanted to tell you. So many questions I wanted to ask. How could you let me down? You have no idea how it feels. How could you make me feel as one of the dearest persons in your life and suddenly made me feel like I'm the most stupid thing you want to get rid of.

I wanted to talk to you because I want you to know that I'm blaming you. I told you so, that it might bring no good to us. Now, the worst really happened. I wish you never felt those feelings you told me you had for me. Maybe things would've been different. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad as it is right now. And maybe we will still have our friendship. But I guess its too late for maybes.

I wanted to talk to you because I want you to know that I'm also blaming myself. I over reacted with some things and I easily get irritated with you. I haven't noticed that I'm treating you badly. I regret the things I have said and done that might have hurt you. I'm not proud of them. And I am terribly sorry for it. From the bottom of my heart, I am very sorry.

I wish to talk to you but you didn't give me the chance. You think there's no need for it and that we should just live like this with no hatred. But I doubt if there's really no more hatred.

I would've begged you if that's what it takes to have our friendship back. But you have already decided and made up your mind. I would've done anything just to save our friendship but I don't want to spend my time trying to fix things when you already made it clear that it's hopeless to do so. So you left me no choice but to let go.

-aLoN